If Thor uses Th’Oreal, I decided that Loki deserved his own haircare range. Well, not so much deserved as demanded in a diva-like way…
It’s been a couple months since we’ve communicated, you and I. I should specify that when I say “you”, I’m referring to a very specific “you”. You know who you are if you are that “you”. Before you think I’m posting this on the public internet as a cry for attention, that’s not the case. I got a new phone—you know how I’m always losing or breaking things. Any way, I don’t have your number any more. And my laptop is broken, so I can’t get on skype. I can’t find your e-mail address either. And it’s hard to contain what I have to say within the character limit of twitter. So, tumblr it is. I hope that you’ll see this, and this won’t end up a virtual diary entry of sorts.
First of all, I want to express how grateful I am for the influence you’ve had on my life. Handling the world my final year of high school was… difficult, to say the least. And you were there, on skype, for all of that. After experiencing what it’s like without someone like you to support me, I’m not sure how I would have handled the things that I went through then. I don’t think I would have handled it at all. I dunno. I’m being vague and melodramatic. Sorry. You put up with all of my crap, as I entered the transitional period of my life that is college. Honestly, I wouldn’t wish that social role on anyone. I respect that you were able to fill it.
I should elaborate on exactly how transitional this period is. I am not the person I was when we “met”. At all. Katie is a shrivelled up entity, only existing in the back of my mind. Sometimes, Katie comes out—but only in Houston, around family members and the religious. In every other circumstance, I’m Katherine. I don’t like Katie very much. I, Katherine, am extraordinarily lonely. I get about two hours of sleep each weekday, on account of self-induced isolation in the campus library. I work my ass off, with the belief that eventually, this all will pay off, and I’ll be happy. Sometimes, I feel the self-loathing that Katie felt, but for the most part, I feel more… solid. It’s hard to put into words. Katie believed that the reality in which she exists very likely was not the actually reality. I, through a series of philosophical proofs, no longer believe that. And that makes me happy. I’m incredibly analytical. I’m constantly frustrated when assholes on campus joke about me being inferior or less capable as an engineer because of my gender. I wish I could tell you that, and listen to you get worked up with me.
God, I wish I could tell you so many things. Like how my Dad lost his job. I can’t even… I don’t even know how to handle that. He just showed me a hard hat that all of his coworkers signed, wishing him luck with his “endeavors”. I cried. The world is just so insecure. I have a few friends at school who I told about this. They helped. Counseling helped too.
They day we stopped talking was the day I started counseling. I suppose I have you to thank for that as well. I really needed help. I just want to be healthy. And happy. It’s a process, but I’m working so hard to become that person.
We’re putting Jerry down this week. I hate feeling dramatic, but it’s like putting my childhood to sleep. Everything is ending. My great aunt and uncle are probably going to die this week. It’s poetic, actually. Can you tell how I’m having trouble expressing everything that’s happening? I’m not really used to that. I’m usually really strong at expressing myself through text. It’s frustrating when things can’t be defined or written down.
God, I’m so sorry I couldn’t be the friend you needed. After everything, I had no more emotions to give. And you got screwed because of that. Part of the reason why I stopped contacting you is because I wanted you to have better. I hope you found better.
I also thought you didn’t want me. You know how I need to be wanted. I figured I joined the ranks of Chick-fil-A and Urban Outfitters, if you know what I mean. I didn’t have the energy to fight back.
I have this fear that you hate me. In my mind, you laugh at how stupid everything I tweet is. Maybe you check my facebook profile on someone else’s account and talk about how fugly I am. How you hate it when mean people like me become successful. I had a nightmare about that. But then, I woke up because I had a Charlie Horse. Best Charlie Horse ever.
I’ll be in South Korea all next year. I guess you’ll be abroad as well. I’m so glad you can finally get out. I really am. On South Korea, I’m ridiculously excited—if this were six months ago, I would constantly be linking you to pictures of Korean men on skype. That’s how excited I am. There’s a tiny part of me that’s nervous. I have friends on campus who I really love. I’m afraid they won’t exist after I leave. I wish you could tell me how stupid and irrational I’m being.
Anyway, I miss you. And I hope you’re happy (I’m saying that in the least guilt-trippy sense, I promise). I really didn’t want our previous discourse to be the final chord of our relationship—I wanted something more resolute. Also, my shrink recommended I write something along these lines.
With all the remaining emotions that I have,
Katie Katherine
